Body Positivity is Hard

Body positivity and self love is so hard sometimes. I’m 26 and I weigh more now than I ever have.

I knew I kept having to buy bigger clothes but I didn’t really ever REALIZE how much weight it was. I don’t think I realized it until I saw a candid photo someone snapped of me at a work event. After that I, of course, decided to go look at pictures of myself from college. It was jarring to see. I don’t know how I never realized the change my body had gone through. It’s not as obvious in photos– I’ve trained myself on what angles work best and are the most flattering. Whaddup selfie culture. The picture on the right is one I didn’t post because I thought my legs looked “too fat.” 

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I’ve gone from a size 3 to a size 12/14– depending on the brand. I’ve gained somewhere around 65 pounds from my start of college. I can’t believe I just put those numbers out there for the world to see. That makes them feel real. I notice my pudgier belly, my rounder face, my thicker thighs. But you know what?

I feel more comfortable in my skin than I ever have.

Do I wish I was skinnier? Sure. Do I see cute clothes I know wouldn’t look great on me and feel bummed? Sure do. But I remember being a teenager, in my skinnier body, and yet I still hated it. I was unsure of who I was, I needed constant validation and I couldn’t stand being alone with myself. I do know that I need to try to be healthier. Over the last week I haven’t had soda, juice or anything from a drive thru. I’m still eating what I want– just made those small changes and I’ve lost 3 pounds, and that feels really good. But I know those 3 pounds doesn’t make me better or worse.

At 26 I know that I am smart, and capable, and have so much more to offer than how I look or what I weigh. I wish I could tell teenage me that she’d graduate college (TWICE!) and find her place in the world. I think that’s important to remember– we will always want to change things about how we look but it’s so important to remember all the other stuff, too. 

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